I don’t really know how to start this, and I have no idea if it is relevant since it did not happen at UCT.
In October 2009 I was a 17-year-old matriculant. I have been chatting with a guy on Mxit and finally decided to meet him one Friday night. I told my parents I would sleep over at a friend’s house (she was in on it, of course). Well, I met the guy who took me to a restaurant. He was a lot older than the age he gave me on Mxit. I think he might have been close to 40.
After dinner, he drove around and eventually parked on the sidewalk of a dark silent street. He then started kissing me and removing my clothing. For some reason, it did not register what was busy happening. I mean, I knew about sex, but I could not comprehend that that’s what was about to happen. When he removed my underwear, it still did not register. It was as if I wasn’t even there. When it eventually happened, my brain somehow made the connection and all I wanted was for it to end. When it ended, I got dressed quickly and ask him to take me to my friend’s house and when I got there, I realized that I just lost my virginity. I wanted to save myself for marriage.
I did not tell anyone about this and quickly “forgot” what had happened. I never saw it as rape, because I never really said no. Only recently I started remembering how scared I was when he pushed me back on the car seat.
I’ve always dreamed of being a psychiatrist, but after that night I just did not want to be anything anymore. I wrote end of year exams without studying and miraculously still ended up being the top matriculant at my school. I went off to varsity to study Psychology in 2010, but had to see a counselor as I suffered from severe depression, and she also diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder. I had to drop out in October 2010 as I was failing. I never told the counselor about that night because I didn’t think it was linked to my emotional health.
Currently. I am a 24-year-old first year student at UCT, I’m getting distinctions in for all my courses, but I still don’t want to do or be anything.
I saw a group of younger women in the library the other day, looking very beautiful and feminine. Since that night, I have only been wearing jeans and t-shirts, so I decided to get a dress or two. At the store, as I was trying on dresses, I couldn’t help but weep in the changing room… I felt exposed, like anyone who sees the outline of my body in a dress can just reach out and touch me and I could do nothing about it.